Bad Beat School

It seems that every poker player you talk to has a bad beat story to lay on you given the opportunity. These stories all follow the same pattern, I had this great hand but then came the flop or the turn and I couldn't believe it when he only had .......
All players have these experiences so why on Earth go on and on about a bad beat?
Not long ago I was in a  tournament when I was knocked out. I had a great hand in two Kings but lost out to an Ace Jack. These things happen , you put it behind you and move on. On the way to the exit I was collared by guess who? Yep Mr Bad Beat himself. He had just lost a big hand he complained. I presumed that he must have been knocked out of the tournament as well but when I checked out his position at the table he still had a huge pile of chips left. Yet he still laid a Bad Beat on me, me who had been knocked out! These people must be stopped Ladies and Gentlemen. No longer can we suffer their Bad Beats in silence. Join the resistance to Bad Beaters! Sorry got carried away for a moment there, I'm OK now.
After a got back home I came to the conclusion that we should set some guidelines to govern and control the Bad Beaters. With a strict code of punishments for those who dare transgress them.

In at number one is that those still in  tournaments are strictly prohibited from any Bad Beat telling. Yes losing to A-6 when you have a pair of Aces is tough and if you lost nearly all your chips you may well want to moan about it at the break but and it's a big butt a simple ''Sorry it's against the rules'' should be sufficient to spare everyone the boredom of your tale.
Now on the basis that rules are for fools and guides for the wise, it is only just that there remains a window of opportunity to let off a little steam after being ejected unceremoniously from a tournament just before getting into the money. So let there be ten minutes period in which they can tell their harrowing tale of despair but only if the Bad Beat lasts less than one minute.
Another exception could be a one liner of note such as ''my pair of Aces lost to a 3-6 off-suit'', but only if it was left at that, unelaborated upon.
Also, given that an especially harrowing Bad Beat may actually be of passing interest there could be a one hour extension to the one hour rule if a very big hand were beaten, for example Quads or better.
Another exception has to be going out on the bubble. We all know that hurts so again the one hour extension can be enabled.

Poker is an international game so these guides must be upheld internationally. Non-English Bad Beats are also to be subjected to the same rigorous observance. I am told that Bad Beats in Inuit can be particularly perplexing.
Right lets move on to punishments.
I think a weekend at a compulsory re-education camp or school will be a good starting point for any transgressions. These courses would be held over two Saturdays so that you can't just get it out of the way. They would last at least eight hours although they would seem to last much longer. They would involve being explained the guidelines in terms that a two year old would grasp instantly over and over until you begged for clemency, which would not be granted. Then exhausted from all the squirming you would have to sit through an expensively produced but totally pointless video for a few hours without a break.

The following week would involve a community visit. The class would be taken to a Rest Home for senior Texas Holdem Poker Players and would sit and listen to every Bad Beat these vets had suffered without being able to point out when they were being told the same story for the third time. Afterwards back to the classroom where each Bad Beater must stand in front of class like a good boy/girl and tell their classmates how much they have benefited from the course and how they will be good poker players from now on.

Now this may seem harsh punishment for those who have suffered at the poker table, we may even feel a twinge of pity, but fellow players we must be strong if we are to purge the world of poker of tiresome drivel. Yes there would be teething problems, crimes against the ear would go unreported and therefore unpunished but over time with a firm hand and a just heart we can stifle the flow of these Bad Beats to a tolerable trickle.

Take a stand fellow Poker players, join the campaign for more harmonious tournaments and together we can make those Bad Beat Days a thing of the past!